have courage
by trindog2000
Summary: Santana's life is a living hell; her father is out of the picture, her mother is an alcoholic who is having an affair with Santana's uncle who is abusive, and all of Ohio knows she a lesbian and hates her for it. Follow Santana on this journey of finding her courage and will to live through all the pain in her life right now and be happy.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Get you lazy ass out of the house!" My mother shouted at me and I got dressed

I walked over to my dresser and pull out an outfit to wear today instead of my cheerios uniform and I can see my mother still standing in the archway of my door staring coldly at me as she took a swig of her vodka. I ignore her and I remove my shirt so I can change. I turn towards my bed that faced opposite of the door and I feel a sudden burst of pain as glass shatters against my back.

"What the hell?" I turn toward her as she walked up to me with a drunken look on her face

"You dare raise you voice at me you slut . . . you are in my home and you treat me with respect you hear?" She spat at me as she sloppily grabbed my face and turned it so I was looking at her and I could smell the obnoxious amount of alcohol forming from her breath and it reeks.

"You're the one that cheated on dad not me . . . so I'm not the slut" I say in a low voice so she doesn't hear, but she does and I can tell by the anger and hurt in her eyes but the hurt leaves and she just has anger.

She opens her mouth to say something but she closes it before turning on her bare heel and walking out of the room slamming the door on her way out and I roll my eyes before walking to the full-length mirror that stood by the door and I turn away from it and look over my shoulder at my back inspecting the cuts and piece of glass that was sticking out of my back. I wrap my hands gently around it and try to rip it out like a band aide but it hurts like hell and I try not to scream as the last piece of glass is pulled from my back and dropped onto the edge of the small table that stood beside the dresser.

The door swings open revealing my Uncle-who was having an affair with my mother- holding a belt and his own bottle of whiskey as he angrily marched up to me. I turn just in time to see the belt lash at me and strike my chest. It's hard to breathe right as he delivers another lash on my right leg and another two on my stomach. I try to block the lashes with my arm but I can't, he throws me hard against the wall and my head hurts like crazy. I can taste the blood in my mouth and my vision is getting blurry. He drags me to the ground by my hair and it feels like I'm going to explode and here and now I just want to die.

"Stop! Please . . . Uncle, stop I'm sorry!" I scream out as he straddles my waist completely forgetting about the belt and starts using his fists. His hands are big and they leave terrible bruises on me every hit he takes, he aims at my stomach with his right hand using his left to pin my small arms down and I cry as I beg for him to stop but he doesn't. He keeps beating me until he gets tired and I'm almost passed out by the time he lets up and gets ready to walk out of the room.

Before he leaves he grabs my face just like my mother did before saying, "Never . . . ever, disrespect your mother again like that . . . do you understand me bitch?" I nod, "Good now clean yourself up you look like a fucking hoe". With that he left and I just lay there crying for a good ten minutes before I do what he says.

When I get to school it's already third period and lunch time, I usually don't eat because I don't have any money to pay for the lunch but instead I sit in the janitor's closet curled up in a ball or on the rooftop sleeping or trying to sleep in my case. I walk slowly to my locker, my hands moving from being jammed into my sweats pockets or tugging down the ends of my sweatshirt that was too big for me.

"Hey . . . hey dyke-a-tron!" Someone shouted at me as I walked by but I keep my head down and keep walking slowly until I'm cornered by four boys I recognized one, Jessie St. James, then there was Jake Puckerman, and two others that I didn't know of, "Hey didn't you hear me talking to you bitch?". The someone was Jessie.

"Maybe she doesn't speak English . . . maybe she speaks lebaniese!" One of the random boys joked causing the others to laugh too and I see some of the glee kids watching from a far as I pick my head up before lowering it back down at my feet.

"Good one" I say before trying to walk away but Jake stands between me and me not getting beat up as he grabs me and pushes me towards the other random boy.

"Ew gross, I don't want her . . . she's got Lesbian-itis" He says before pushing me to the next boy and they keep pushing me around until Jessie moves out of the way and sticks out his foot causing me to fall over and they laugh.

"You know girls here don't have a thing for clumsy lesbians . . . in fact nobody does. You're just going to die alone knowing that everyone hated your guts because you're a freak. Why don't you just go and kill yourself" Jessie spat before stomping on my lungs causing my to groan and clutch my chest before curling up into a ball as they leave laughing at what they had done

The bell rings and everyone leaves, even the glee kids who were watching the whole thing and did nothing, Finn and Rachel being two of them. I stay in a ball and I can't breathe he broke my lungs, I know he broke them or shattered them or bruised them or something because my breathing feels funny and I can't sit up straight without hurting myself.

"Santana?" I look to where the voice came from and I see Mr. Shue bending down beside my with a concern look plastered all over his chiseled face. I open my mouth to say something but pain replaces my words and I just groan and hold my chest some more, "Santana what happened to you?"

I can't talk and the next thing I see is black nothingness.

It's been two weeks since that happened and everything has gotten worse, Jessie got suspended but now he's back and so is Jake. Jake joined the glee club and Jessie is still beating me up every damn chance he gets. I'm tired of it and I knew what I had to do as I sat in the back corner of the glee club choir room planning out every second of the end of my life. I had a loaded gun in my backpack that sat against my ankle, and I planned to kill myself after this during free period.

I watched as Brittney and Artie sat in front of me whispering and laughing at one another while Rachel and Finn were singing some song that I wasn't paying much attention to and Quinn and Puck were in the corner practically making out, Mercedes and Sam sat with each other and Tina and Mike sat with each other. I had nobody, I was a complete wreck and it's all Finn's fault for completely outing me. That commercial that's been airing about me begin a lesbian has torn my family apart.

My papa left because he said I was such a disgrace to the family and because my mother cheated on him and my mother has taken up a drinking and drug addiction. She began to beat me along with my Uncle-who raped and beat me-who she cheated on my father with and my abuela never wants to see me again. My older brother doesn't want anything to do with me unless he's pushing me down the stairs or helping my mother beat me up.

"Santana . . . Santana are you alright?" Mr. Shue asked from the front of the class causing everyone to look back at me and I inwardly groan at causing attention to be drawn my way, "You seem a little out of it . . . would you like to go to the nurse?"

"Uh . . . yeah I think I should, I'm just not feeling the whole singing dancing bit today . . . Bye guys" I say quietly and I'm pretty sure only Mr. Shue was listening because everyone else is so wrapped up in their own damn world that they can't even see that one of their own is about to commit suicide.

As I get out of the choir room I look around before walking down the hallway, I hold my bag up by its handle as I reach with my other hand to slowly unzip it and get the gun. I pull it out and run my fingers over it again and again.

"Santana . . . Santana what the hell are you doing?" It was Emma, Shuester's girl, she must have been making her rounds around the school and now she was racing towards me

"Stay away from me . . . I-I don't want to hurt anyone . . . please just leave me alone" I plead as I raise the gun to my head a tear rolling down my face

Emma stops with her hand held up showing she means no harm, "Santana please you don't want to do this . . . you're so young and you have so much to live for"

"So much to live for . . . I was bullied every day of my life. I was bullied from my family, and from students, and from the glee kids that were supposed to be there for one another. Every day I was dying inside and nobody noticed, because nobody cares . . . Mrs. Pillsbury I've already died"

"Please Santana look we can get through this, we can help each other" She stepped towards me and I quickly reposition the gun to face her, "Santana you don't want to hurt me"

"You don't know what I want . . . all the things people have done to me . . . I want revenge and you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time"

"Sandbags . . . what the Hell?" Sue calls out from behind me and I move the gun to my head again my eyes probably as wide and deranged as ever, "Whoa calm down now Sandbags you don't got to go shooting yourself, especially all over my new tracksuit"

"See . . . she's just one more person to add to the lists of reasons on why I'm doing this" I shout my eyes closed and my fingers grazing the trigger

"Whoa . . . easy there Sand- uh . . . Santana, I didn't know what I said to you affected you this much. Okay, I'm sorry, really I am but killing yourself is not the way to go" Coach said as she was slowly walking towards me and I slowly walked away from her causing me to come closer to Mrs. Pillsbury,

"Santana please give me the gun you don't want to hurt yourself and you don't want to hurt any of us . . . so there's no reason for the gun" Mrs. Pillsbury soothe and I had to admit I was kind of buying into her bullshit.

**_"_****_Stop being a bitch Santana" My Uncle's voice rang in my ears_**

**_"_****_Don't you ever disrespect your mother"_**

**_"_****_Get up you lazy ass piece of shit" My brother's voice yelled and passed along with the image of my body rolling down three flights of stairs_**

**_"_****_You whore" My mother snarled_**

**_"_****_Bitch"_**

**_"_****_Slut"_**

**_"_****_Freak"_**

**_"_****_Lesbian"_**

**_"_****_Hoe"_**

**_"_****_Piece of shit"_**

The gun slowly slips from my hand and I began to see everything in slow motion; Mrs. Pillsbury and coach running towards my falling body and the gun hit the floor still fully loaded. As they reach me coach takes the gun and Mrs. Pillsbury began to comfort me and tears fell from my eyes and I couldn't stop them or hold them in anymore as I clung tightly to Emma as she softly ran her hand through my hair and lightly hummed some song I didn't know.

"Santana, please never ever pick up that gun or anything that could harm you like that ever again" Emma pleaded as coach grabbed my bag that had fallen off my shoulders in the whole process of the argument.

"Yes ma'am"

"You're such a sweet and respectful girl Santana, you should never want to kill yourself"

"Mrs. Pillsbury when you have a life like mine in this kind of town you are going to want to kill yourself everyday of of your life. You just have to wait until you finally get your courage.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

"Santana Lopez to Mrs. Pillsbury's office" The intercom spoke as I sat in the back of science class causing everyone in the class to ooohhhh and Ahhhh as if I were in trouble.

"Santana you may go to the counselor's office I'd take your stuff if I were you though" The teacher explained and I slightly nod before standing up slowly and grabbing my bag and walking out the room.

"Santana, you can come in" Emma Pillsbury said as I walked into her office

"Hi Mrs. Pillsbury . . . a-am I in trouble for something because I haven't done anything wrong" I state as I walk in and take a seat in the plush chairs that rested in front of wooden desk that she sat behind.

She wore a light plaid shirt with gloves that covered all the way up to her elbows and her legs were covered under the desk. Her hair was short and I kind of liked it that way although I know she only kept it short because of her OCD.

"You're not in any trouble Santana I was just checking in to see how you were"

"What has someone told you that I haven't been taking my meds or something or is it my grades dropping" I deadpanned as my hands grazed the edges of my black, oversized hoodie that covered all my bruises and scares on my arms and a long pair of black sweatpants- and since I only wear this now I am no longer a cheerio.

"Both Santana the school is beginning to become worried about you and your state of living in your house life" She explained as she fingered through a stack of flyers and pamphlets that she had set out on her desk when I came in, "If you keep coming to school with scars and oversized hoodies and a bad attitude you are going to be labeled in foster care for the next few years until you turn 18. Do you understand that Santana?"

"Yeah . . . I'm stupid, I understand everything you teachers talk about" I said quietly causing Emma to look interested and lean in some more to hear what I was going on about, "I've read many files in my day Mrs. Pillsbury . . . many journals, diaries, stories, emails, and text without a lot of people knowing. I'm not a good kid . . . when you put a bad kid in a bad home you get problems. But, when you put an innocent kid in a bad home they start to wonder. They start to wonder why them . . . why doesn't anyone love then, why are they different from any other human being? Mrs. Pillsbury you don't understand why I wanted to kill myself that day . . . you just saw the action of trying and failing"

"You didn't fail Santana . . . you just stopped" She said with a sad smile before the bell rang

"Can I go now?"

"No . . . I've had you excused from the rest of your classes so we could talk"

I eye her to make sure she's alright, seeing as anyone who wanted me around for any longer than was necessary was definitely crazy.

"You know you're not a real therapist . . . you're just some school guidance counselor . . . you can't just sit here and ask me to talk and think that I'll spill my guts to you" My voice comes out a little raspy as I say that but I don't crack

"I know but there is a new student coming in to the school and I think that you'll be a perfect mentor for"

"Mentor?"

"Yes . . . his name is-

"Kurt Hummel" A girlish voice called from behind

I turn to see the gayest boy I've ever seen in my life . . . he dressed in a woolen sweater that covered the arms of his white button up shirt and bow tie with tight skinny jeans to sort of match. He was an okay height but ghostly pale and his hair was swept over like a gay version of Justin Bieber.

"Kurt this is Santana . . . she is going to be your mentor. You can go to her whenever you need help doing or finding anything. I'm sure you two will have a lot in common" Emma practically squealed with delight as I caught on to why she put us together. We are both gay, "Santana you can start showing him around . . . and Kurt here is your locker number . . . combination . . . and . . . class schedules, Santana will help you with whatever you need"

With that she handed Kurt the papers and lock for his locker and shooed us out the door before closing it behind us. I groaned as I looked around the cleared hallways and looked at the clock that was placed on the wall at the end of the hallway.

"Its second period now . . . uh what locker number are you?"

"Why did she choose you to be my mentor?" Kurt asked . . . his annoyingly high voice itching my nerves

"Because I'm gay and so are you"

"I am not gay"

"Oh please I was a closeted lesbian and a judgmental bitch which means one thing; I have an amazing gaydar"

"Fine . . . but you can't tell anyone else"

"I have no one else to tell"

"Are you one of those loners . . . or are you suicidal?" He asked as he stopped in front of me causing me to stop and look at the ground my hands once again falling to the loose strings from my hoodie, "You're suicidal aren't you?"

"You don't understand Kurt . . . I bet your life isn't a perfect as it may seams either . . . with you being gay and all"

"Yes but our difference is that I will never change. I'm proud to be different, it's the best thing about me. You on the other hand obviously hate yourself for it along with everyone that caused you to be suicidal"

I stare at the intenseness of his face which slowly caused me to laugh, leading to him laughing and before either of us know it we are both laughing and walking down the halls towards his locker which was close by mine.

"Kurt would you like to be my friend?" I mumble as he opened his locker and began placing a few books inside and his lunch, "Oh you're going to need your lunch it's about time for it anyway"

"I thought we were already friends . . . and thanks"

"For what?"

"The heads up on lunch of course" He smiled and nudged me gently causing me to smile and do the same back.

I mean I can't believe it someone is actually going to be my friend again at this school. I mean I would expect Rachel to understand with her two gay dads and all but since she's with Finn and I kind of slapped him silly . . . she's not talking to me for like . . . ever. Brittany cool too but she can be such an airhead sometimes and Artie persuades her not to talk to me so much anymore, Quinn and Noah . . . they're too wrapped up in their own popularity to worry about my downfall from it. Tina and Mike are too quiet to ever talk to me or stand up for me an any way shape or form, and Mr. Shue he is just another stupid teacher who keeps sending me to Mrs. Pillsbury to 'talk about it'

"You're not going to go all psycho crazy like in the roommate where the girl starts killing people because she wants to be the only friend of her friend . . . are you?"

"What no . . . of course not . . . I don't care if you have other friends just as long as I'm one of them" I smile causing him to laugh at me as we walked off to lunch early with our arms linked trying to get there before the bell rang and all the seats were taken.


End file.
